The Clearwater Sun - Smallest of the World's Leading Newspapers.

P.O. Box 1101
Safety Harbor, FL 34695

 Edited by jim nelson, the internet humor harvester

Who is the humor harvester?

Jim Nelson, a serious piano player and realtor. 


A blind man wanders into a Female Biker Bar by mistake.
        He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
       
 After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter,
'Hey,you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
       
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
 In a very deep,husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind,
that you should know five things:
       
         1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
        2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.
        3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
        4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
        5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
   Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
        The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters....

        'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
 
 
FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

NUMBER 5:They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.

NUMBER 4: 'This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to.

NUMBER 3: 'Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!

NUMBER 2:  Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?

Number 1 And MY all time Favorite: best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) '... hear my prayer, Amen 
 
Regardless of your political affiliation, this lightens up the times....

Why did the chicken cross the road?

    BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
     JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
     HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure  right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
     GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.  We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.  The chicken is either against us, or for us There is no middle ground
here.
     DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
     COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
     BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of road?
     AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
     JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
     AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need more black  chickens.
     DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize  that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to
do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
     OPRAH: Well, I understand that this chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad.   So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the  chickens.
     ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed  access to the other side of the road.
     NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
     PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
     MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No bird gave me any insider
information about crossing.
     DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?  Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
     ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
     JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.'  Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you may become gay, also. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.'  That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
     GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why a chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
     BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it had experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
     ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
     JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens crossing roads together.
     BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will integrate with those that lay eggs. Henhouse Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable than previous versions.
     ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road pass beneath the chicken?
     COLONEL SANDERS: Which way did he go?
     SARAH PALIN: God has tasked us to invade the chicken coop and shoot all  identified road crossers and to round up all suspected road crossers and hold them at an undisclosed location. Once all elements of road crossers
 are safely contained we will return to the coop to drill for oil and build an expensive unsupported pipeline to move the oil across the road and free us from dependence on road crossing chicken oil.

 

     One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. 
     When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. 
     Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop. 
     The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. 
     Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. 
     The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you'  card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful?
     Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.
     The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut!

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.


 

  Internet Humor Harvester - edited by jim nelson

 
NEW WORDS FOR 2008

1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER : A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY : The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT : An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Often feel like doing this to my computer----

14.ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. >From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.
 

 

 
HOW TO DRIVE IN FLORIDA


1. You must first learn to pronounce the name, it is: "FLAAAAARIDA".

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 AM to noon. The evening rush hour is
 from noon to 8:00 PM. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On I-95 your
speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is grounds to
run you off the road while giving you the finger.

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Florida has its own
version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler
go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second.
However, SUV cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed
out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can
get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Florida. Detour barrels
are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the
night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the
shoulder immediately to let them know it has been accidentally activated."

11. Merge means race like a madman and cut the person in line off or
better yet ---run them off the road.

12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.
 

what this country needs are more unemployed politicians.-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

 

      "Mark Twain" is a measurement of depth used by riverboats on the Mississippi River.  It meant water deep enough for navigation.  Writer Samuel Clemens took the term for his pen name after a stint as an apprentice river pilot.  Here are some Wisdomisms of Mark Twain:

 

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed,
if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
 
Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a member of Congress ...
But then I repeat myself.
 
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
 
There is no distinctly Native American criminal class... save Congress.
 

 

The New Element
 

Recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four  years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

 

Note:  This has been verified and confirmed by 'Urban Legends'.

Breakfast With President Bush
 

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, 'I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit." 

She turns to the Commander and Chief and says, "And what can I get for you, Mr. President?" 

George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, 'How about a quickie this morning?'"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims.   'How rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton." And she storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers........"It's pronounced 'quiche''.

 


 



P.O. Box 1101
Safety Harbor, FL 34695