Clearwater, FL
clearwat
Where Do Lost Things Go?
This is an easy one. All lost things go to a garage in Buffalo through the belly button of a young virgin.
Communication is the Problem to the Answer
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range..
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
Nevada's First Legal Prostitute Speaks Out
"It's just the same as when Rosa Parks decided to sit at the front instead of the back. She was proclaiming her rights as a disadvantaged, African-American older woman. And I'm doing the same. I'm actually standing up now, and hopefully I can be supported by the male community and be understood as a person. This actually isn't about selling my body. This is about changing social norms." Marcus
The key to a successful marriage.
The secret is in the rules. Please note.. these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. (If she does guys, just say "no" and walk out of the room.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. >=( |-:)
Contribution by Special Guest Humor Editor, Mac McNamara, (at left, at the Masters)
A Woman Meets a Man in a Bar
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.
The Trouble With Traffic Cameras
Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
What's It Gonna Cost?
There was a contractors' convention in Nashville. Three contractors, one each from Florida, Texas and New York, met up in Dollywood. The park manager met them, and on learning they were all contractors said:
We gotta fix our back fence. How 'bout you each give me a bid?" The three men looked at each other, smiled, and said "Okay."
Out at the fence, the Florida contractor whipped out a tape measure, took a few fast measurements and said: "$900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for my men and $100 for me."
The guy from Texas got out his tape measure, took several careful measurements and said:
"$700. That's $400 for materials, $200 for my Mexicans and $100 for me."
The contractor from New York said "$2,700."
The park manager snapped at him. "Twenty-seven hundred? You didn't take any measurements at all. How do you figure $2,700?"
The New York contractor smiled. "That's easy. $1,000 for me. $1,000 for you, and we get the guy from Texas to do the job.
"Ever Wonder Why More People Don't Learn English?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10 ) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row ..
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Home Depot Sex Scam in Clearwater
Please publish this letter as a public service. It is about a new scam that is coming down at Home Depot. I understand that this happens at Lowe's, too, so don't desert Home Depot just yet. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,24th & 29th. Also April 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 3rd, 26th & 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
Target has wallets on sale for 2.99 each.
The eyes have it
An missing "i" from the USF Music Department creates a new image in listening. Mr Gaw-
lick, the student performer, could not be reached for comment.
In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new Breakfast Meal Special.
You get 8 or 14 eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.
Edited by jim nelson, the internet humor harvester
Who is the humor harvester?
Jim Nelson, a serious piano player and realtor.
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman .
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade.....
So, what have we learned in 2 millennia?
"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance."
- Cicero - 55 BC
Evidently nothing
She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'!
'OLD' IS
WHEN...
Your friends compliment
you
on your new alligator
shoes
and you're
barefoot.
'OLD' IS
WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your
fancy
and your pacemaker opens
the garage door,
'OLD' I S WHEN...
Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your
face.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your
spouse goes,
just as long as you don't
have to go along.
'OLD' IS
WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow
down by the doctor instead of by the police
'Getting a little action''OLD' IS WHEN...
means you don't need to
take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS
WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you
find your car
in the parking
A Blind Man Wanders Into a Female Biker Bar by Mistake
that you should know five things:
2) The bouncer is a blond girl.
3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blond woman with a black belt in karate.
4) The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.
5) The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters....
'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
NUMBER 5:They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.
NUMBER 4: 'This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to.
NUMBER 3: 'Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!
NUMBER 2: Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?
Number 1 And MY all time Favorite: best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) '... hear my prayer, Amen
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful?
Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut!
the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.
Internet Humor Harvester - edited by jim nelson
1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER : A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
4. SALMON DAY : The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
8. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT : An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Often feel like doing this to my computer----
14.ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. >From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).
18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.
19. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 AM to noon. The evening rush hour is
from noon to 8:00 PM. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On I-95 your
speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is grounds to
run you off the road while giving you the finger.
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Florida has its own
version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler
go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second.
However, SUV cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed
out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can
get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Florida. Detour barrels
are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the
night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the
shoulder immediately to let them know it has been accidentally activated."
11. Merge means race like a madman and cut the person in line off or
better yet ---run them off the road.
12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.
what this country needs are more unemployed politicians.-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a member of Congress ...
But then I repeat myself.
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
There is no distinctly Native American criminal class... save Congress.
Recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Note: This has been verified and confirmed by 'Urban Legends'.
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, 'I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
She turns to the Commander and Chief and says, "And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, 'How about a quickie this morning?'"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. 'How rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton." And she storms away.
Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers........"It's pronounced 'quiche''.
The Last Thing a Leak Sees before it’s gone is STAN looking back)
Too often a roof estimator, unskilled in the art of finding
roof leaks will tell you a new roof is needed when there is
still life left in it.
By experience, 85% of the roofs inspected
by Stan are repairable. Sooner or later every roof needs
to be replaced, but later is better than sooner for most
budgets. Call Stan. He’ll shoot you straight. If you need a
new roof, he’ll give you a fair bid. But repairing a roof with
life left in it allows you time to plan. All work guaranteed!
Free Estimates!!! Roof maintenance programs.!!!
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Tutoring Math, English, Social Studies, GED, SAT Prep - $25 per hour - Teens and Adults - Contact John Ruane at 727-267-5666 or send e-mail to jruane2@tampabay.rr.com
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